Oh wow.

I kinda just forgot about blogger for a little while.

But I don't have much news anyway.

I'm still single but I'm happy. No longer stressing over someone who isn't worth it.

I finally got a scale!

I'm currently 159lbs.

I find twitter to be alot easier to keep up with. :P

My account is Brennysaur. It's ED related. 

Closure

So.. I decided in order to get over this break up I need closure.

Because then i'd know why and blah blah blah and not need to stress about it anymore.

I've spent yesterday and today crying about it.

So I texted my ex. Asked him if he could atleast give me closure. He ignored me.

Signed in on msn and there he was. And since he was clearly online he couldn't just hide from me.

I now know he is a coward.

He is an asshole.

I don't need him.

As soon as our conversation was over I went from crying to laughing at how stupid and childish he was being.

I'm glad I found out who he really was.

Alone...

I thought everything was going good...

My only friend. My boyfriend.... Just left me.

I'm in pieces now.

What do I do?

Where do I go from here?

I have no one now. I'm completely alone...

I hate that I leaned on him so much because now that hes gone I just don't know what to do. 

Love sucks. 

 

Dear Mia

 

 Oh Mia.

Please leave me alone...

It hurts when I breath in to deeply.

It hurts when I try to move to quickly.

It scares me when I need to gasp for air after I purge,

While my heart pounds and my chest tightens.

Leave me alone...

P.s I hate Love you.

I Thought They Were Supposed To Support Me?

Lately my family has been telling me not to eat so much.

Asking if I've actually been going to the gym.

That I should eat more fruits and vegetables.

That I could lose a 'little' weight.

Seriously? I mean seriously? do I need to hear this?

Do they not get that I hear this crap in my head all day long.

Do they not realize that just because I went and completed rehab that I'm not 100% okay now?

I just hate that they think that 3 months in a hospital makes me cured or something.

Well news flash I'm just as fucked up as I was before I entered that clinic.

The sad thing is I know i'm not the only one who's families just don't understand that.

Its like they think having an eating disorder is like having a cold or something.

I wish they could understand that it doesn't just go away. >_<

I just wish they knew that...

Their comments aren't helping at all.

And I can't even try and talk to them about it.

I know i'm fat.. leave me alone.

Major Thinking

So I've been thinking a lot.

About how I got where I am today. How I've come to be what I am.

Why I hurt myself they way I do and why.

Why I hate myself so fucking much.

And it took me to memories that I tried my best to erase.

And now that they are swirling in my head, they just wont get out.

So I figured maybe i'll share with you?

Maybe you can relate. Maybe not. But I can't just let these thoughts stay in my head. 

Bullied? Who me? Yes me. For years. 

From grade 6 to grade 10.

I was called fat, ugly, disgusting, stupid, useless and just.. more horrible names I just can't list.

I started dieting in grade 6, started skipping school to avoid bullies in grade 7, started starving myself in grade 8, started cutting in grade 9.

So why did the bullying stop in grade 10?

It stopped because I started shoving two fingers down my throat.

Boys started asking me out. I made 'friends'.

I hate how the only reason I was ever accepted was because I lost weight.

And now that I've gained back all the weight I lost after entering rehab.

I feel as if the only way to be accepted is to be thin.

Because if it worked once... it can work again.

I'm putting this video here just cause,
I love it.

These young ladies are stunningly beautiful.

Sorry I like died.

I've been busy being to depressed to do anything but sleep.

Awesome life I have eh?

I can't seem to keep the few pounds I lose off. They keep coming back.

And i'm honestly so fucking tired of this cycle.

I keep telling myself to just give up and eat, get fat and just deal with it.

But I just can't.

No matter how hard I try, to just push the thoughts away.

They win anyway.