Dear Mia

 

 Oh Mia.

Please leave me alone...

It hurts when I breath in to deeply.

It hurts when I try to move to quickly.

It scares me when I need to gasp for air after I purge,

While my heart pounds and my chest tightens.

Leave me alone...

P.s I hate Love you.

I Thought They Were Supposed To Support Me?

Lately my family has been telling me not to eat so much.

Asking if I've actually been going to the gym.

That I should eat more fruits and vegetables.

That I could lose a 'little' weight.

Seriously? I mean seriously? do I need to hear this?

Do they not get that I hear this crap in my head all day long.

Do they not realize that just because I went and completed rehab that I'm not 100% okay now?

I just hate that they think that 3 months in a hospital makes me cured or something.

Well news flash I'm just as fucked up as I was before I entered that clinic.

The sad thing is I know i'm not the only one who's families just don't understand that.

Its like they think having an eating disorder is like having a cold or something.

I wish they could understand that it doesn't just go away. >_<

I just wish they knew that...

Their comments aren't helping at all.

And I can't even try and talk to them about it.

I know i'm fat.. leave me alone.

Major Thinking

So I've been thinking a lot.

About how I got where I am today. How I've come to be what I am.

Why I hurt myself they way I do and why.

Why I hate myself so fucking much.

And it took me to memories that I tried my best to erase.

And now that they are swirling in my head, they just wont get out.

So I figured maybe i'll share with you?

Maybe you can relate. Maybe not. But I can't just let these thoughts stay in my head. 

Bullied? Who me? Yes me. For years. 

From grade 6 to grade 10.

I was called fat, ugly, disgusting, stupid, useless and just.. more horrible names I just can't list.

I started dieting in grade 6, started skipping school to avoid bullies in grade 7, started starving myself in grade 8, started cutting in grade 9.

So why did the bullying stop in grade 10?

It stopped because I started shoving two fingers down my throat.

Boys started asking me out. I made 'friends'.

I hate how the only reason I was ever accepted was because I lost weight.

And now that I've gained back all the weight I lost after entering rehab.

I feel as if the only way to be accepted is to be thin.

Because if it worked once... it can work again.

I'm putting this video here just cause,
I love it.

These young ladies are stunningly beautiful.

Sorry I like died.

I've been busy being to depressed to do anything but sleep.

Awesome life I have eh?

I can't seem to keep the few pounds I lose off. They keep coming back.

And i'm honestly so fucking tired of this cycle.

I keep telling myself to just give up and eat, get fat and just deal with it.

But I just can't.

No matter how hard I try, to just push the thoughts away.

They win anyway.

My throat is killing me

From all the purging I've been doing lately. >_<

Ugh.. I hate every second of purging.. 

So i had to lie to my boyfriend the other day. And its still eating at me.

He found my journal. I forgot i left it on my bed. When i walked into my room he asked what it was. He told me he read the rules page and was demanding to know if i relapsed.  I lied and said it was an old journal i was reading. And i told him to stop reading my things without permission. He does it all the time. He knew it was private but opened it anyway.  If i tried to do that with something of his he'd completely flip.

In other news... 

am i the only one that's been singing this all day? @______@

"Wait! I need to check the calories first!"

That's what my five year old cousin who I was babysitting said to me when I was trying to make him lunch.

At first I just started laughing and told him okay, you do that.

And then I started thinking... hes five why does he know about calories?

Why does he care?

I'm guessing he just watched me or my aunt do this and is just copying us.

Which makes me feel guilty, which I should feel.

Whooooo!

I just pledged to save animals by going vegan, and you can too!

So my friend linked me to a couple peta videos and yeah my stomach is still in knots from what I saw.

I noticed i'm one of those people that cares more about animals then people. xD

I guess its cause i feel like they don't have a voice.

My stomach is empty. 

And its been a while since I've felt like this.

Light headed and light as a feather.

I love this feeling.

I never want it to go away.

Makes me feel like I'm finally doing something right.

I quit the 2,4,6,8 diet. haha

Im just going to do my best to stay under 500 calories and go to gym as often as possible.

Eating 800 calories because the diet tells me to is really annoying me. -_-