So I've been thinking a lot.
About how I got where I am today. How I've come to be what I am.
Why I hurt myself they way I do and why.
Why I hate myself so fucking much.
And it took me to memories that I tried my best to erase.
And now that they are swirling in my head, they just wont get out.
So I figured maybe i'll share with you?
Maybe you can relate. Maybe not. But I can't just let these thoughts stay in my head.
Bullied? Who me? Yes me. For years.
From grade 6 to grade 10.
I was called fat, ugly, disgusting, stupid, useless and just.. more horrible names I just can't list.
I started dieting in grade 6, started skipping school to avoid bullies in grade 7, started starving myself in grade 8, started cutting in grade 9.
So why did the bullying stop in grade 10?
It stopped because I started shoving two fingers down my throat.
Boys started asking me out. I made 'friends'.
I hate how the only reason I was ever accepted was because I lost weight.
And now that I've gained back all the weight I lost after entering rehab.
I feel as if the only way to be accepted is to be thin.
Because if it worked once... it can work again.
I'm putting this video here just cause,
I love it.
I love it.
These young ladies are stunningly beautiful.
You're beautiful at any weight. Don't judge your self-worth based on a number, although I shouldn't be talking.
ReplyDeleteMia for me too, trying to get it down to ana though. I'm just a junior in high school, but I've had the same bullying from sixth grade as well. Started putting the fingers going down my throat in eighth grade though :(
I'm sorry you had to deal with all of that. I'm here if you need anything, alright? Stay strong girl, you'll get through this. ♥