Oh wow.

I kinda just forgot about blogger for a little while.

But I don't have much news anyway.

I'm still single but I'm happy. No longer stressing over someone who isn't worth it.

I finally got a scale!

I'm currently 159lbs.

I find twitter to be alot easier to keep up with. :P

My account is Brennysaur. It's ED related. 

Closure

So.. I decided in order to get over this break up I need closure.

Because then i'd know why and blah blah blah and not need to stress about it anymore.

I've spent yesterday and today crying about it.

So I texted my ex. Asked him if he could atleast give me closure. He ignored me.

Signed in on msn and there he was. And since he was clearly online he couldn't just hide from me.

I now know he is a coward.

He is an asshole.

I don't need him.

As soon as our conversation was over I went from crying to laughing at how stupid and childish he was being.

I'm glad I found out who he really was.

Alone...

I thought everything was going good...

My only friend. My boyfriend.... Just left me.

I'm in pieces now.

What do I do?

Where do I go from here?

I have no one now. I'm completely alone...

I hate that I leaned on him so much because now that hes gone I just don't know what to do. 

Love sucks. 

 

Dear Mia

 

 Oh Mia.

Please leave me alone...

It hurts when I breath in to deeply.

It hurts when I try to move to quickly.

It scares me when I need to gasp for air after I purge,

While my heart pounds and my chest tightens.

Leave me alone...

P.s I hate Love you.

I Thought They Were Supposed To Support Me?

Lately my family has been telling me not to eat so much.

Asking if I've actually been going to the gym.

That I should eat more fruits and vegetables.

That I could lose a 'little' weight.

Seriously? I mean seriously? do I need to hear this?

Do they not get that I hear this crap in my head all day long.

Do they not realize that just because I went and completed rehab that I'm not 100% okay now?

I just hate that they think that 3 months in a hospital makes me cured or something.

Well news flash I'm just as fucked up as I was before I entered that clinic.

The sad thing is I know i'm not the only one who's families just don't understand that.

Its like they think having an eating disorder is like having a cold or something.

I wish they could understand that it doesn't just go away. >_<

I just wish they knew that...

Their comments aren't helping at all.

And I can't even try and talk to them about it.

I know i'm fat.. leave me alone.

Major Thinking

So I've been thinking a lot.

About how I got where I am today. How I've come to be what I am.

Why I hurt myself they way I do and why.

Why I hate myself so fucking much.

And it took me to memories that I tried my best to erase.

And now that they are swirling in my head, they just wont get out.

So I figured maybe i'll share with you?

Maybe you can relate. Maybe not. But I can't just let these thoughts stay in my head. 

Bullied? Who me? Yes me. For years. 

From grade 6 to grade 10.

I was called fat, ugly, disgusting, stupid, useless and just.. more horrible names I just can't list.

I started dieting in grade 6, started skipping school to avoid bullies in grade 7, started starving myself in grade 8, started cutting in grade 9.

So why did the bullying stop in grade 10?

It stopped because I started shoving two fingers down my throat.

Boys started asking me out. I made 'friends'.

I hate how the only reason I was ever accepted was because I lost weight.

And now that I've gained back all the weight I lost after entering rehab.

I feel as if the only way to be accepted is to be thin.

Because if it worked once... it can work again.

I'm putting this video here just cause,
I love it.

These young ladies are stunningly beautiful.

Sorry I like died.

I've been busy being to depressed to do anything but sleep.

Awesome life I have eh?

I can't seem to keep the few pounds I lose off. They keep coming back.

And i'm honestly so fucking tired of this cycle.

I keep telling myself to just give up and eat, get fat and just deal with it.

But I just can't.

No matter how hard I try, to just push the thoughts away.

They win anyway.

My throat is killing me

From all the purging I've been doing lately. >_<

Ugh.. I hate every second of purging.. 

So i had to lie to my boyfriend the other day. And its still eating at me.

He found my journal. I forgot i left it on my bed. When i walked into my room he asked what it was. He told me he read the rules page and was demanding to know if i relapsed.  I lied and said it was an old journal i was reading. And i told him to stop reading my things without permission. He does it all the time. He knew it was private but opened it anyway.  If i tried to do that with something of his he'd completely flip.

In other news... 

am i the only one that's been singing this all day? @______@

"Wait! I need to check the calories first!"

That's what my five year old cousin who I was babysitting said to me when I was trying to make him lunch.

At first I just started laughing and told him okay, you do that.

And then I started thinking... hes five why does he know about calories?

Why does he care?

I'm guessing he just watched me or my aunt do this and is just copying us.

Which makes me feel guilty, which I should feel.

Whooooo!

I just pledged to save animals by going vegan, and you can too!

So my friend linked me to a couple peta videos and yeah my stomach is still in knots from what I saw.

I noticed i'm one of those people that cares more about animals then people. xD

I guess its cause i feel like they don't have a voice.

My stomach is empty. 

And its been a while since I've felt like this.

Light headed and light as a feather.

I love this feeling.

I never want it to go away.

Makes me feel like I'm finally doing something right.

I quit the 2,4,6,8 diet. haha

Im just going to do my best to stay under 500 calories and go to gym as often as possible.

Eating 800 calories because the diet tells me to is really annoying me. -_-

Dying To Be Anorexic Documentary

Has anyone seen it?

I think i've watched it about 30 times. haha

I dunno im a little obsessed with learning about eating disorders and watching documentaries about them.
And while searching for them i found this.
These girls are basically pro ana.
And I just found it interesting to watch.
Very distracting. xD

I wonder...

If I were to disappear.

To just die.

At this moment.

What would I leave behind?

Would anyone care?

Would anyone notice?

      Id leave nothing, no one would care, no one would notice.

I'm tired of living like this.

How long can I keep pretending?

Pretending that everything is fine.

Pretending That I'm happy.

I don't know If I can do this anymore.

I don't know why I bother trying....

These are just the thoughts spinning through my head.

That  just wont leave.

Day 2 + 3

Day two and three went alright i guess.

Though i really didn't want to have 600 calories. >_>

I went to the gym today burned about 350 Calories.

Though i must admit going to the gym alone is really awkward.

And when i walk past people  i feel like they are laughing at me.

And just pretty much thinking "what the hell is she here for? she's to fat to work out."

So I obviously need to work on not giving a crap about what other people may or may not be thinking. 

But you know being me thats pretty much impossible. xD

Day one of 2,4,6,8

I managed to only have 140 calories. Yesterday. Wooooo!

And I went to the gym and burned 300 calories.

today is day two.

400 calories.

This man right here Can put a smile on my face no matter how bad of a mood im in.
You should check him out. :D

His youtube:  http://www.youtube.com/user/ItsKingsleyBitch

<3333

Im stuck.

I've been stuck in a rut. I guess is the best choice of words.

Lately I've just been eating all day long. 

I wont even bother to purge anymore.

Just eat and eat and eat.

I don't even know why im doing it.

Half the time im not even hungry.

I guess im just so depressed about my weight gain I've pretty much given up on myself.

I worked so hard to make it to 117lbs and to be 160ish lbs now is pretty fucking sad.

I miss my hip bones, i miss seeing  my ribs, i miss being a size 5. 

I guess i can just bitch and moan about it or actually do something.

So I joined a gym close to my house.

Im starting the 2,4,6,8 diet tomorrow.

I need a fresh start.

Long time no.. post?

Sorry.

I've just been being pulled back and fourth between wanting recovery and wanting to be thin.

Thin is winning.

So i started playing imvu. At first i was like this site is totally lame. haha

But now im kind of addicted to it.

I really like that my 'default' avatar is thin. (yes i have problems)

And i basically get to dress here up in clothes i could only dream of wearing.

Which made me realize this is probably why i played with dolls till i was 14. 

I could imagine to be them.

To be beautiful.

So found these pictures on the internet. 

This is supposed to be a life sized barbie. 

And this is... well just found it while searching.

I liked it thought id post it. :)

I Feel like crap.

So heres a vid to help me feel better.

I hope if you're feeling down too this will lift you up.

Stay strong girls <3

Forgot my Username

Ha I'm so dumb sometimes.

I've been trying to get on her for the last few days.

I can't sleep. My neighbors car alarm has been on non-stop for 2 days. D:

So It's 7am and i'm just laying in bed doing my best not to walk to the kitchen.

Mirror

So I did something I haven't really done in months... Body check in front of the mirror.

I LOOK DISGUSTING.

I can't even get myself to put a picture here to show you.

How did I let myself get here? :(

There are rolls of fat everywhere.

I feel like i'm being suffocated with all this extra weight.

And whats worst? From Thursday evening till Monday night i'm stuck with Jamie and his family at his cottage.

I can't restrict there. >-<

I guess i'll have to find a way to purge without them noticing.

(They know about my ED. Jamie told them. -_-)

Break Up?

So Jamie told  me that he doesn't feel the same way about me like he did that, I'm not 'happy enough'.

That he still wants to be with me but we need to work on things.

More like i need to work on things. -_-

I don't think he gets that I stopped cutting for him. I went into treatment for depression for him.

I went into treatment for My ED for him.

I'm not going to be 100% happy now.

Treatment doesn't work like that.

I guess I seemed alot happier when I could rip a blade through my skin to numb out my feelings.

Hello little razor blade....

Welcome back to my fucked up life.

Dentist

Sorry for not posting lately.

I've been at my aunts for helping out.

She had surgery to get lumps of fat removed from her arms and has a bunch of stitches.

I'm basically alone all day.

Which is great. No one bothers me to eat and i get to exercise and clean all day.

I'm supposed to go back for another week.  Not sure if i will though. Its hard to be away from Jamie for so long.

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow for a cleaning and to check up on all my cavities.

I'm a little confused about what my dentist and what purgers tell me.

My dentist tells me to brush after i purge to get rid of the stomach acid.

But other purgers tell me not to and to use mouth wash instead.

o.O

Who's right?

I Can Knit!

It took me an hour to learn but i did it. xD

I'm so glad i found a hobby to help keep my mind off things.

Anyways.

Fasting went okay. Lasted  2 1/2 days. :(

Was hoping to go on longer then that but my parents and Jamie are like the 'Food Police'.

I'm so tired of getting asked  if i had my breakfast, lunch, snack and dinner. >:c

Leave me alone. Fuck.

Hooray?

So i've been out of treatment...

And i've been binging since Friday night.

I'm so disgusting.

Fasting tomorrow.

Wish me luck?

Almost Free

Just one more day till I can go back to restricting and exercise.

I can't wait. <3

I need a scale but my parents refuse to let me have one.

I guess i'm going to have to save for/buy one and keep it in my closet or something.

I didn't get to see my boyfriend Jamie Today. He had to take his puppy to training. I feel like I need him beside me 24/7. Why am I so need lately? I'm so afraid that i'll lose him. Maybe thats why.

Guilt

I have one week left of treatment. 

I'm starting to feel guilty for knowing that as soon as I get out, all the work I did will be thrown away.

I know I'm going straight back to my ED ways.

But now I'm full of guilt.

I wasted everyones time. I wasted money and resources.

I took up a spot in the program that someone who /really/ wanted to recover could have had.

I feel like such a horrible person.

FAT

I can't see my hip bones anymore.

The gap between my thighs are gone.

My collar bones are fading.

I have to search for my ribs.

How did I let myself get to this point? I'm so disgusted right now.

I look like i'm pregnant.

I have a roll of fat under my boobs, and armpits.

I have a double chin.

I can just go on and on with this.

I have ALOT of work to do.
I need to work on putting before and after pics on here once I go back to Ana and Mia.

Excited!

I'm so excited about only having 6 days left of this program.

THINSPO PICS!!!!

My Ultimate Thispiration = Selena Gomez

156?

I GAINED 4 POUNDS IN A WEEK?

What the fuck. o.o

I'm so pissed right now.

I can't wait to get out of that stupid program.

I feel like a whale.

I'm tired of getting fatter.

I want to get smaller.

Plus Size Model

Last night I went over to my aunts for my 5 year old cousins I would have purged but i knew i was getting blood work on Monday.  I feel so FAT FAT FAT.

To make up for it I took my cousin Thalia for a long 2 hour walk.

It didn't help much but it was better then doing nothing. And we got to talk.

She told me she eats non stop when shes angry.

Shes only ten.

I'm so afraid she might slip into binge eating and purging or restricting.

Is it normal for me to be so worried?

I told her she needs to find better ways to deal with her emotions and not turn to food.

But how can I tell her that when i use food to cope with my emotions all the time?

  

On a happier note. I met a plus size model at the party.

Shes dating my uncle.

I'm so jealous that she can have the confidence to model lingerie.

Why can't I just be happy with the way my body looks? :/

Why can't I love myself?

I Feel So Confused...

I feel like my body isn't mine...

My body fit in size 5 jeans. 

This body fits in a size 11.

My body had less then 500 calories a day.

This body has 3 full meals and 2 snacks a day.

My body was thinner.

This body is FATTER.

I fucking hate the way I look right now.

I can't believe I let myself get this far.

Discharge day: April 1st

I can't wait.

So Sorry,

I've been really busy.

I'm now a day patient. I get home around 7. And spend the few hours i have with my boyfriend.

I hate being in 'recovery'.

To be quite honest i'm only there because i'm being forced. I'd run out of there as fast as I could i'f my parents would let me.

I'm sick of 'mechanical' eating. I'm sick of being stuffed with food and watching my weight go up.

I've been in recovery for a month now. And i've gained 10 Lbs.

I'm so disgusted with myself.

I'm hoping i get discharged within the next two months.

I need to get out. Dx

I hate lying. I hate having to pretend i'm getting better.

I'm not. I'm getting fatter.

I don't want to offend or discourage anyone in recovery right now.

Good luck to you.

You're strong.

And should be proud.

I on the other hand am not ready to get better and i'm just a wimp who's afraid to let her parents down.. again.

Update

Sorry . I just got my internet back.

-was grounded-

Anyway.

Monday I met with my dietitian. She weighed me and i'm 142lbs. :(

Ouch.

I start treatment Monday.

Don't you hate?

When you know you're doing awesome at fasting and then all of a sudden someone /forces/ you to eat. Geeze.

I had to have dinner with my boyfriend and his mom. I couldn't get out of it, so my fast is now fucked. :(

I guess i'm just going to need to start over.

I lost 3lbs.

I found out when I start treatment. February 7th. *sigh*

I have to go meet with a dietitian and therapist January 31st and talk to them like they actually give a fuck about me.

I'm tired of getting asked the same questions and having people give me fake sympathy I don't need.

Honestly I don't like myself. I'm ugly. I think I'm fat so I starve and Purge. /Thats/ all you need to know.

LEAVE ME ALONE. xD

Day 1 + 2

Yeah Its been two days.

I've been drinking water and juice all day.

I wish I could just stop drinking juice. To much sugar.

But I personally hate the taste of water. :(

Well at least there is flavored water.

I've lost 2lbs.

BINGED

I had one of the worst binges in months.

I just opened the fridge and ate... and ate... and ate.

I felt like I had no control at all.

I wasn't even hungry to begin with.

I feel like such a failure.

I obviously purged.

Theres no way I could live with myself if I didn't.

I'm afraid to even calculate how much and how many calories I ate.

I still feel bloated.

I'm going to go on a liquid fast.

Lets see how long I can keep it up.

Hey Baby Can You Bleed Like Me?

I've been cutting for about 4 years. I stopped after being admitted into a hospital unit for teens in August of 2010. I was in there for a month. Worst month of my life.

But the urge to cut is back.
I miss watching the blade tear through my skin.
The feeling of all my stress leaking away.

But I know I cant cut. My boyfriend would flip.
I'm going to try and exercise the urge away.

Treatment

So i'm supposed to start treatment in a couple weeks.
I honestly know going will be a HUGE waste of everyones time and money.
I do not want to get better. Not yet anyway. Not till I lose more weight.  My family is forcing me into treatment. So I guess i'm just going to shut them up. I promised my boyfriend i'd stop purging. I guess thats one thing the treatment can help me with. I've had this overwhelming need to get pregnant. I know i'm not healthy enough to have a baby. But I really want one. I cant even support a baby. My mind is really fucked up right now.

Breakfast:: Cereal - 200cal
Lunch: Pizza Bagel - 400cal
Dinner: Nothing. - 0cal

Total calories: 600

Hungry Hungry Hippo

Oh yes i'm a very hungry hippo. x.x
I don't know why I even bother trying to diet when i just end up stuffing my face within a few hours and throwing it up.
Honestly what the fuck is wrong with me?
Why cant I have the self control to back away from the fridge and pick up a glass of water?
Why cant I have the self control to say no to food when i know the consequences of eating it?

Because i'm a failure thats why.

Let The Starving Begin...

Starting weight: 138lbs

Goal weight: 90lbs

Bleh

Breakfast: Skipped

Lunch: French Fries

Dinner: Steak and rice

I NEED TO SEW MY MOUTH SHUT.

I haven't purged in a month.

Yippee for me. 

To bad that month is over and I'm going back to throwing up everything that passes my lips.

I've GAINED everything i lost.

I have less then a month till I go to 'recovery'.

I refuse to be that fattest one in treatment.

Weight: I have no clue. I need a scale.