Almost Free

Just one more day till I can go back to restricting and exercise.

I can't wait. <3

I need a scale but my parents refuse to let me have one.

I guess i'm going to have to save for/buy one and keep it in my closet or something.

I didn't get to see my boyfriend Jamie Today. He had to take his puppy to training. I feel like I need him beside me 24/7. Why am I so need lately? I'm so afraid that i'll lose him. Maybe thats why.

Guilt

I have one week left of treatment. 

I'm starting to feel guilty for knowing that as soon as I get out, all the work I did will be thrown away.

I know I'm going straight back to my ED ways.

But now I'm full of guilt.

I wasted everyones time. I wasted money and resources.

I took up a spot in the program that someone who /really/ wanted to recover could have had.

I feel like such a horrible person.

FAT

I can't see my hip bones anymore.

The gap between my thighs are gone.

My collar bones are fading.

I have to search for my ribs.

How did I let myself get to this point? I'm so disgusted right now.

I look like i'm pregnant.

I have a roll of fat under my boobs, and armpits.

I have a double chin.

I can just go on and on with this.

I have ALOT of work to do.
I need to work on putting before and after pics on here once I go back to Ana and Mia.

Excited!

I'm so excited about only having 6 days left of this program.

THINSPO PICS!!!!

My Ultimate Thispiration = Selena Gomez

156?

I GAINED 4 POUNDS IN A WEEK?

What the fuck. o.o

I'm so pissed right now.

I can't wait to get out of that stupid program.

I feel like a whale.

I'm tired of getting fatter.

I want to get smaller.

Plus Size Model

Last night I went over to my aunts for my 5 year old cousins I would have purged but i knew i was getting blood work on Monday.  I feel so FAT FAT FAT.

To make up for it I took my cousin Thalia for a long 2 hour walk.

It didn't help much but it was better then doing nothing. And we got to talk.

She told me she eats non stop when shes angry.

Shes only ten.

I'm so afraid she might slip into binge eating and purging or restricting.

Is it normal for me to be so worried?

I told her she needs to find better ways to deal with her emotions and not turn to food.

But how can I tell her that when i use food to cope with my emotions all the time?

  

On a happier note. I met a plus size model at the party.

Shes dating my uncle.

I'm so jealous that she can have the confidence to model lingerie.

Why can't I just be happy with the way my body looks? :/

Why can't I love myself?

I Feel So Confused...

I feel like my body isn't mine...

My body fit in size 5 jeans. 

This body fits in a size 11.

My body had less then 500 calories a day.

This body has 3 full meals and 2 snacks a day.

My body was thinner.

This body is FATTER.

I fucking hate the way I look right now.

I can't believe I let myself get this far.

Discharge day: April 1st

I can't wait.

So Sorry,

I've been really busy.

I'm now a day patient. I get home around 7. And spend the few hours i have with my boyfriend.

I hate being in 'recovery'.

To be quite honest i'm only there because i'm being forced. I'd run out of there as fast as I could i'f my parents would let me.

I'm sick of 'mechanical' eating. I'm sick of being stuffed with food and watching my weight go up.

I've been in recovery for a month now. And i've gained 10 Lbs.

I'm so disgusted with myself.

I'm hoping i get discharged within the next two months.

I need to get out. Dx

I hate lying. I hate having to pretend i'm getting better.

I'm not. I'm getting fatter.

I don't want to offend or discourage anyone in recovery right now.

Good luck to you.

You're strong.

And should be proud.

I on the other hand am not ready to get better and i'm just a wimp who's afraid to let her parents down.. again.