Don't you hate?

When you know you're doing awesome at fasting and then all of a sudden someone /forces/ you to eat. Geeze.

I had to have dinner with my boyfriend and his mom. I couldn't get out of it, so my fast is now fucked. :(

I guess i'm just going to need to start over.

I lost 3lbs.

I found out when I start treatment. February 7th. *sigh*

I have to go meet with a dietitian and therapist January 31st and talk to them like they actually give a fuck about me.

I'm tired of getting asked the same questions and having people give me fake sympathy I don't need.

Honestly I don't like myself. I'm ugly. I think I'm fat so I starve and Purge. /Thats/ all you need to know.

LEAVE ME ALONE. xD

Day 1 + 2

Yeah Its been two days.

I've been drinking water and juice all day.

I wish I could just stop drinking juice. To much sugar.

But I personally hate the taste of water. :(

Well at least there is flavored water.

I've lost 2lbs.

BINGED

I had one of the worst binges in months.

I just opened the fridge and ate... and ate... and ate.

I felt like I had no control at all.

I wasn't even hungry to begin with.

I feel like such a failure.

I obviously purged.

Theres no way I could live with myself if I didn't.

I'm afraid to even calculate how much and how many calories I ate.

I still feel bloated.

I'm going to go on a liquid fast.

Lets see how long I can keep it up.

Hey Baby Can You Bleed Like Me?

I've been cutting for about 4 years. I stopped after being admitted into a hospital unit for teens in August of 2010. I was in there for a month. Worst month of my life.

But the urge to cut is back.
I miss watching the blade tear through my skin.
The feeling of all my stress leaking away.

But I know I cant cut. My boyfriend would flip.
I'm going to try and exercise the urge away.

Treatment

So i'm supposed to start treatment in a couple weeks.
I honestly know going will be a HUGE waste of everyones time and money.
I do not want to get better. Not yet anyway. Not till I lose more weight.  My family is forcing me into treatment. So I guess i'm just going to shut them up. I promised my boyfriend i'd stop purging. I guess thats one thing the treatment can help me with. I've had this overwhelming need to get pregnant. I know i'm not healthy enough to have a baby. But I really want one. I cant even support a baby. My mind is really fucked up right now.

Breakfast:: Cereal - 200cal
Lunch: Pizza Bagel - 400cal
Dinner: Nothing. - 0cal

Total calories: 600

Hungry Hungry Hippo

Oh yes i'm a very hungry hippo. x.x
I don't know why I even bother trying to diet when i just end up stuffing my face within a few hours and throwing it up.
Honestly what the fuck is wrong with me?
Why cant I have the self control to back away from the fridge and pick up a glass of water?
Why cant I have the self control to say no to food when i know the consequences of eating it?

Because i'm a failure thats why.

Let The Starving Begin...

Starting weight: 138lbs

Goal weight: 90lbs

Bleh

Breakfast: Skipped

Lunch: French Fries

Dinner: Steak and rice

I NEED TO SEW MY MOUTH SHUT.

I haven't purged in a month.

Yippee for me. 

To bad that month is over and I'm going back to throwing up everything that passes my lips.

I've GAINED everything i lost.

I have less then a month till I go to 'recovery'.

I refuse to be that fattest one in treatment.

Weight: I have no clue. I need a scale.