"Wait! I need to check the calories first!"

That's what my five year old cousin who I was babysitting said to me when I was trying to make him lunch.

At first I just started laughing and told him okay, you do that.

And then I started thinking... hes five why does he know about calories?

Why does he care?

I'm guessing he just watched me or my aunt do this and is just copying us.

Which makes me feel guilty, which I should feel.

Whooooo!

I just pledged to save animals by going vegan, and you can too!

So my friend linked me to a couple peta videos and yeah my stomach is still in knots from what I saw.

I noticed i'm one of those people that cares more about animals then people. xD

I guess its cause i feel like they don't have a voice.

My stomach is empty. 

And its been a while since I've felt like this.

Light headed and light as a feather.

I love this feeling.

I never want it to go away.

Makes me feel like I'm finally doing something right.

I quit the 2,4,6,8 diet. haha

Im just going to do my best to stay under 500 calories and go to gym as often as possible.

Eating 800 calories because the diet tells me to is really annoying me. -_-

Dying To Be Anorexic Documentary

Has anyone seen it?

I think i've watched it about 30 times. haha

I dunno im a little obsessed with learning about eating disorders and watching documentaries about them.
And while searching for them i found this.
These girls are basically pro ana.
And I just found it interesting to watch.
Very distracting. xD

I wonder...

If I were to disappear.

To just die.

At this moment.

What would I leave behind?

Would anyone care?

Would anyone notice?

      Id leave nothing, no one would care, no one would notice.

I'm tired of living like this.

How long can I keep pretending?

Pretending that everything is fine.

Pretending That I'm happy.

I don't know If I can do this anymore.

I don't know why I bother trying....

These are just the thoughts spinning through my head.

That  just wont leave.

Day 2 + 3

Day two and three went alright i guess.

Though i really didn't want to have 600 calories. >_>

I went to the gym today burned about 350 Calories.

Though i must admit going to the gym alone is really awkward.

And when i walk past people  i feel like they are laughing at me.

And just pretty much thinking "what the hell is she here for? she's to fat to work out."

So I obviously need to work on not giving a crap about what other people may or may not be thinking. 

But you know being me thats pretty much impossible. xD

Day one of 2,4,6,8

I managed to only have 140 calories. Yesterday. Wooooo!

And I went to the gym and burned 300 calories.

today is day two.

400 calories.

This man right here Can put a smile on my face no matter how bad of a mood im in.
You should check him out. :D

His youtube:  http://www.youtube.com/user/ItsKingsleyBitch

<3333

Im stuck.

I've been stuck in a rut. I guess is the best choice of words.

Lately I've just been eating all day long. 

I wont even bother to purge anymore.

Just eat and eat and eat.

I don't even know why im doing it.

Half the time im not even hungry.

I guess im just so depressed about my weight gain I've pretty much given up on myself.

I worked so hard to make it to 117lbs and to be 160ish lbs now is pretty fucking sad.

I miss my hip bones, i miss seeing  my ribs, i miss being a size 5. 

I guess i can just bitch and moan about it or actually do something.

So I joined a gym close to my house.

Im starting the 2,4,6,8 diet tomorrow.

I need a fresh start.

Long time no.. post?

Sorry.

I've just been being pulled back and fourth between wanting recovery and wanting to be thin.

Thin is winning.

So i started playing imvu. At first i was like this site is totally lame. haha

But now im kind of addicted to it.

I really like that my 'default' avatar is thin. (yes i have problems)

And i basically get to dress here up in clothes i could only dream of wearing.

Which made me realize this is probably why i played with dolls till i was 14. 

I could imagine to be them.

To be beautiful.

So found these pictures on the internet. 

This is supposed to be a life sized barbie. 

And this is... well just found it while searching.

I liked it thought id post it. :)